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Your May/June 2004 Hors D' Scope

  The Mysterious All-Seeing Big Brown Eye of Sarcastio

By: The Mysterious, All-Seeing Big Brown Eye of Sarcastio

(Your Horoscopic Punnisher and All-Around 

Mean-Spirited Oracle)



Arbitraries: You find yourself up a tree - no - on a beach. You’re at a round table wearing flip-flops and eating waffles. Then everything gets hazy…

Tauranga: Exposed as the pakeha-pom piker you really are, you rattle your dags down to a pub in Eketahuna, and scull from stubbies till you’re choc-a-block, skint and off your face. Then some local hoons walk in, give you the collywobbles, and you chunder like thunder in the dunny. Bog-standard for a sooky wanker like you.

Wagemin: Aw shucks! People have begun to notice that you’re withered and sickly. This may sound corny, my dear cobber, but why don’t you try to amaze them with your grit? Of course, that would go against your grain – yer’ too yellow!

Censor: You ██████████ are ███████ really ██████ni██ce████. People █████████like ██████████ you.

Liber: You feel like you’re up a tree, so you shed your skin, go on the lam and get looped. In other words: your bark is worsted, then you’re a bight.

Vireo: The kids have all flown the coop leaving you with empty-nest syndrome. You start to go buggy, and dream of a home in a new world.

Leno: You are warped. You openly spin yarns that trap others in your web. But others can see right through you, making you cross.

Scorporo: Others are of far greater interest than you, and you risk becoming undesirable. So, feeling less secure about your future, you clip coupons, and sell them off at a profit.

Aggravatarius: You try to get your goat out for a ride, but you have an upset into a patch of nettle and ruin your pique cardigan. Grate!

CAPACOA: You present yourself as a star, but it’s all just a big act. It’s just a stage you’re going through. Stop making a scene and rewrite your life script – maybe you’ll get a more fitting role. Props.

Taqueria: You try to spice up your life by getting fried and taking in salsa every night. However, it catches up with you, and you find yourself wrapped up in your own little shell. Take my advice: if you can’t stand the heat, stay out of the kitchen.

Piscators: There’s something fishy on deck for you this month. Everyone has an angle; everyone is handing you a line. You’re not about to take the bait, though – you’re too busy reeling in your own suckers.


July 2003        August 2003

  September 2003       October 2003       November 2003

The Worst of Hors D'Scopes 2003

    January 2004       February  2004       

March 2004       April 2004

May/June 2004



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