Your March 2004 Hors D'Scopes, by Sarcastio

The Hors D' Scopes first appeared in the June 2003 issue, a puniferous descendant of "Your Lucky Horoscopes", which began in Jaywalker's very first issue. Bleak and insulting, each of Sarcastio's consultations with the stars leave some readers consulting their dictionaries.

Arieh's: Be on your guard this month, as there will be plenty of lyin' about you. You'll find Good Samaritans especially hard to stomach, so take time to chew the fat.

Ford Taurus: You're practically driven round the bend, fueled by a lot on your plate. Have a V-8, spend some idle time in the garage then take a cruise. Don't become the back seat driver of your own life - take charge!

Geminiloba: Spring arrives in the north, but while others are blossoming, you refuse to open up. Instead, you veg out and wait patiently for someone to bug you.

Canvasser: You drop by unexpectedly on strangers and ask personal questions. This is not because you're doing a survey, though; it's just that you're a snoop.

LIBOR: You bank on borrowing money from your peers, but they discount you entirely and fix their interest on others.

Virino: Your offally contagious tendency to get inside one's head and drive them mad raises a little concern. Don't have a cow! Take stock in yourself and do something neat for a change, and they'll be coming back in droves.

Hikuleo: Ata boy! While throwing stones, you K.O. someone and become an underworld figure. Lay low, head west and go fishing off some island in Polynesia. Until next month, Si'u Leo!

Tuscor-pio: You feel like you're the butt of everyone's jokes; so, bucking the trend, you nag until you're hoarse and make a complete ass of yourself.

Saginate-arius: The kindness of strangers has you with an over inflated sense of confidence. But they are just building you up before cutting you to pieces. The next time you go out to dinner, you'll be cooked.

CAPRO-corn: You rock...to some, and it has you walking on air. But in this country it is not so easy listening to you, so people are tuning you out in greater frequency. Get with the program and put a plug in it!

Squarius: You try to get around, but you simply do not fit in. Trying to get to the root of the problem compounds it exponentially. You're such a tool, and so very uncool!

Pie-seize: You get baked then go out and pick up some tart. Her crusty father hears about it, finding your excuses flaky. He then cuts you to pieces with a series of tourtiere-ous lectures.